Edward Rueben Arguello was born as a poor brown child on June 7, or maybe it was on April 8, 1946. It could have been the 6th or 9th, we are not quite sure. That’s what happens when you were born at home and your dad, who was a coal miner, didn’t really keep track of dates. Sam and Margaret Arguello had stopped keeping track of the children at that time. But he was a son, so that made him a little bit special. Hell Gloria, Rebecca’s favorite daughter, Sandra the cracked, Antonio the free spirit, and the way the free spirit, Deborah, were the other ill-fated in Trinidad, Colorado.
Somewhere along the line, Antonio, who at the time was just Anthony, managed to find his way to the Army National Guard and somehow convinced Edward that it was a good idea to go to Missouri in the middle of winter to attend. . (And Edward was the smart one, so they say.) The only saving grace was this hot young girl, Sadie Spicola, waiting for him at home. She had visions of GI Bill in mind. And Sadie succeeded in dragging Edward to the altar on September 12, 1964.
Sadie found herself with a child, but unfortunately the first son died shortly before the birth on June 11, 1965. Undeterred, Edward and Sadie wanted to bring another son into the world. Edward was not there at the birth of this second son, and instead played soldier in a cornfield, God knows where. Still high on pain medication and euphoria at birth, Sadie could not come up with an original name for this child, so she chose the name of her husband and first son. The replacement was complete. Edward Reuben the 2nd? 3rd, 4th, somewhere in there arrived on June 16, 1966.
Of course, no family is complete without a princess, and in a family of primarily boy cousins, Edward and Sadie searched under a rock on July 15, 1972, and found an orphaned Santa and called her Melissa. She was named after a witch from a show, Jack, how the hell did we get Jack from Edward!?! Oh yes, replacement children
So how did Edward support this young family in a city known for sex transplants? Well, of course he followed in his father’s footsteps into the coal mines. Some say his brother-in-law Jose was to blame, but it could have been a night of booze at El Rancho. After almost being buried alive somewhere under the Raton Pass, Edward decided to get his family for heck out of Trinidad and move closer to his drinking buddy Jose in Denver. Imagine someone painting a pair of good cowboy boots orange? Yes, it happened.
When he arrived in Denver, Edward managed to persuade the Coors Brewing Company to hire him at the warehouse on the erroneous premise that he could drive a forklift. Who told them now that he could do it? The evidence has long since been deleted. Edward did not like the taste of Coors Banquet, but soon he jumped off and took his deception to Ft. Collins, where Anheiser-Busch would not be wiser.
After a furious round of cleaning her house for the 15th time that day, and a scam “up the hill”, Sadie sadly died on May 3, 1997, but not before she locked Edward in a double plot on the sunny side of a hill in Arvada. Edward would get away for the next 24 years and wait to join his beloved bride in the hope that when he arrived she would not be angry and he would not have to sit outside having brought muddy footprints on the new carpet again.
The one good thing that kept Edward going during these years was that his abruptly is princess, Melissa continued to provide him with additional mouths to feed in the form of her endless array of mutants. Emily the relaxed firstborn who was excited about; Deidre the cheeky naughty (can we see a pattern here?); Gavin, the bonus grandson, is missing a pair of cards from a card game; McKayley, the basketball power-forward mover who would eventually slip into HAH-VUHD; Colton / Bubba, the poor kid who can’t read or write (DEYSXLXAI), who will soon jump on a big rig with the “woo woo lights”; and the JJ trial the 10th round knockout kid wanted all the mooch rides and bum dinners out of Edward until the grandkids arrived.
Marcus, the sensitive first great-grandson who was REALLY excited about; Rory, the second born fireworks child (why do we keep having these second children?); and Mr. Loxley, the master of the sweetest laugh, which is the understudy of Evil Knievel, completed the mutations and debt to Edward.
Tired of mockery and endless rows of hugs and kisses that kept bringing all kinds of bacteria into his home (do these people not know that a pandemic is going on?), Edward succumbed to the love around him that day after Christmas (so it’s December 26th for you non-believers), 2021. He will be laid to rest in the depths of the earth (has he not avoided this once, successfully?) next to Sadie at the Arvada Cemetery January 12, 2022.
Believe it or not
Published by Horan & McConaty – Northwest / Arvada on January 3, 2022.